upon waking from the dream

i am not become a name
or at least, i have not dreamed my name
i am nineteen and already so tired
mother, did you know the world you were bringing me into?
did you feel how putting another life here was maybe a huge and horrible mistake. i think you knew, i remember the stories of your sobs.
you told me life would be easy
it is not
it is so hard
and i am so slow at it
i am sit before a great feast, but i cannot eat the food.

i cannot remember my dreams.
i long for another place, another world
this one is too toxic
and my heart knows
and my skin
and my stomach
my what is it that they call soul.
i
am
overcome
the disease
feels like a punch in the gut
my heart is cracked
i wish to crawl away
to a dark and soundless place.

there is so much to be done.
i do not know where to start.
i find myself in control of my life
and ive been a drunk driver
and i've been alone, and scared and ugly
in the drivers seat.
i want to throw up, get out, walk away and go camping.

i keep putting a gun to my head and yeah
i keep pushing it away
and hugging instead of shooting
but i am so scared and sad
the repetition never seems to stop.
suicide is the third leading cause of death among young adults aged 10 to 24
over 30,000 every year in america.

i think all the good people are killing themselves,
they are too sick to live here any longer
they cannot wait to go home.

i must wait.
most mothers experience depression after giving birth
and now i kno why.

i cannot do this work alone
i am barely able
i am just
i never could have contemplated this failure
i look behind me and see confusion
i look ahead and see darkness

i'll hold your heart like the sky holds the moon

like the sea around a shore

treasures are the forgiveness of things

the its ok i love you anywaze

the slowness

must be learned

the patience

how long how long

this life.

staring at my skin,

i wonder if it looks like the underside of

a pterodactyl

& i am not an expert

on dinosaur reproduction

but i imagine somehow,

even scaly monsters

had the soft parting flesh

and eyes big love crumbs.

towards a calmer forever

this is the way the ocean forgets

cell by cell

erasing and eroding the skin on my cheek

arm and little toes

tearing away tomorrow's obligations

with wind and salt.

this is the way the ocean

has alzheimers

always forgetting the so of things here and there

its first birth

a little diatom perhaps

sprouting from a seemingly

vast abandon of nothingness

this is

the way the ocean makes me dream

it sweeps up the guilt in my sheets

and turns my breath into waves.

this is the way the ocean

teaches us

infinity- how it is an ok

and perhaps

adventure

towards and towards.

2-17

I am learning how to sit. powerful. I am becoming aware of the present. My presence. Boobs out, shoulders back- I am just a person held in a woman's body. i am learning how to hold myself.

breathe out, nasal to spine. breather in chest expands, heart pushed forwards.

our relationships must no be constant worries. we must be each other root strength. i don't kno how tall i am, but i know what i want 'n i think i kno how to get it : i am leaving the waiting rm.

there's a hell of a good universe next door;

let's go.

today, i try again.

i am learning to carry my safe space within myself.

it is beautiful, and difficult.

to the world out there,

you punchers and poisoners

guides and mentors

friends, heart sharers

storm riders

and drowned ones :

i am trying to stay true to myself.

i am practicing slowly

how to breathe

the word calm

checking, waiting, reminding

all is not lost,

the center may yet hold

to love old hurts

to deserve freedom

to strive for it,

bird by bird

day by day.

imagine me,

off the shoulders shirt

rosy face

bright eyes and shameless smile

imagine me

bike rider rock climber mountain bagger

forest explorer mushroom hunter political leader

yes, i've been

all drug addict thief depressed

down and out and addicted and sobbing

overweight and uneducated

alone and scared and unsure and guilty.

me, i'm contrary, i'm lazy, i'm nerdy, i'm motivated, i'm playful, i'm silly

i'm a showoff and an attention grabber

and i'm beautiful.

yes beautiful.

so are you.